Please do your kid a favor and optimize their name towards what would look good an a business card or printed in a newspaper article, rather than what would make them a badass fantasy protagonist.
















You may be surprised to know that your opinion is not new to me.

brb naming my kids Efficient, Profitable and Leadership-Synergy

Those are cyberpunk protagonists.

I will name all of my hypothetical future children “Corporate Loves You,” except the obligatory one named George Foreman. Everyone needs a child named George Foreman.

‘Kay, so now I’m imagining a city of cyberpunk characters named in Puritan style, except with very different ‘virtues’.

Strive-For-Excellence Porter. Service-With-A-Smile Takeshi. The-Customer-Is-Always-Right Horowitz. Greed-is-Good Smith.

(Known as Ex, Vis, Cuss, and Greed to their friends.) 

I would read that novel.

Alternately, name all children after corporations. Probably not what Gwyneth Paltrow had in mind when she named her daughter “Apple,” but if it catches on she’ll be totally set.

You can’t have cyberpunk without coders. 

Keep-Track-Of-Your-Pointers Davis. Document-Thoroughly Jameson. Heed-The-Wisdom-Of-Stack-Overflow Goldstein.

Always remember to comment your genetic code.

Okay you guys are joking but I literally know* people whose kids are named C, Ruby, and APL

(Ruby really got the best deal in this)

*okay second-degree know

CMS Johnson. KPI Davis.

Employee Of The Month Smith

 Synergy Johnson 

Fast-Learner Alvarez, Good-With-People Cohen, Multitasker Matthews…parents could even optimize their kids chances with career specific names! Middle-Management Brandt, AP-English Graham, Ready-For-My-Closeup Okafor. 

Attention-To-Detail Van Burton.  Active-Problem-Solver Garcia. Paradigm-Shift Gordon.  Analytics Wright.  GL-Accounts Medina.  Thank-You-For-Calling Shores.  Cognos Gallagher.  Someone please stop me.

Proficient-in-Excel Fitzgerald.

I’ll go ahead and be the one who’s going to point out how these all bear a remarkable resemblance to early modern Puritan names (which may have been intentional?)


  • “Job-rakt-out-of-the-asshes”
  • Fight-the-good-fight-of-faith
  • Dancell-Dallphebo-Mark-Anthony-Gallery-Cesar. Son of Dancell-Dallphebo-Mark-Anthony-Gallery-Cesar, born 1676.

  • Fly-fornication
  • Jesus-Christ-came-into-the-world- to-save

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