so I read the entirety of Peter Pan in one sitting today and it is SO GREAT and unintentionally hilarious and really really enjoyable and I wanna gush so here’s some stuff

  • someone once told Captain Hook that he looks like a Stuart so he started dressing like Charles II complete with long black ringlets
  • ringlets… which he combs using his hook
  • he also uses his hook for “other homely uses.” I have no idea what, J. M. chose not to extrapolate
  • Hook’s great master plan to kill the Lost Boys is to BAKE THEM A CAKE and put dodgy stuff in it so they eat it and die
  • Wendy is like “you ain’t eating shit you found on the floor” and makes them use the cake as a missile, which Hook later falls over in the dark 
  • speaking of Wendy, the Lost Boys are All About Wendy when she first arrives. Peter is like never touch Wendy. build a house around her. we are her servants. she is a lady.
  • John is literally like “are you fucking kidding me" 
  • Tinker Bell is super not here for Peter’s flight of fancy shit and yells YOU SILLY ASS at him literally about ten times
  • Peter is kinda dumb actually 
  • at one point he falls asleep on Wendy Guard Duty "and some unsteady fairies had to climb over him on their way home from an orgy”
  • ????????????????
  • there are non-binary fairies! girls glow white, boys glow mauve and the blue ones are “little sillies who are not sure what they are” which is… really really cute!!!
  • there’s a whole section where Peter and this bird are yelling at each other but Peter doesn’t speak bird and the bird doesn’t speak human and they’re mad about it
  • J. M. makes sure to point out that Hook “was not wholly evil; he loved flowers”
  • when the pirates kidnap Wendy and the Lost Boys, Hook bows to Wendy and sweeps his hat off and gives her his arm and she’s so starry-eyed about it she forgets she’s being kidnapped
  • the thirst is real, Wendy
  • Hook is scared of Smee. all the kids love Smee cos he’s little with funny glasses and thinks he’s really fearsome but. Hook is. actually. scared of Smee
  • at one point Peter is helping Hook up onto a rock because a) good form and b) he wants to have a proper nemesis fight, and Hook BITES PETER and Peter is fucking beside himself about it
  • in fact 100% of their interaction reads like Kate Beaton’s nemesis comic 
  • Tiger Lily is a stone cold badass. all the men in her tribe want to lock that down and she’s like “fuck no”
  • when Peter rescues her from Hook and Smee, rather than carrying her bridal-style back to her camp (no thx Disney) she’s just like TIGER LILY OUT and swims home, abandoning Peter to his dumb pirate fight
  • Peter may be slightly unhinged actually. like one paragraph early on basically says that sometimes he’d go for walks on his own and not talk about it when he came back, then the others would go out AND FIND THE BODY
  • like the book pretty much insinuates that when the Lost Boys start getting too old Peter takes ‘em out back and puts ‘em down
  • and before the big boss fight he’s picking pirates off one by one and a Lost Boy is just calmly keeping an out-loud count of how many throats Peter’s slit
  • and after the boss fight he literally kicks Hook overboard to where he knows the crocodile’s waiting 
  • that kid is fucked up, I’m just saying
  • the narrator loses his shit towards the end. I’m serious. one minute he’s like “I HATE MRS. DARLING SO MUCH” and the next he’s all “I love Mrs. Darling, those kids are some selfish brats though”
  • Mr. Darling blames himself for the childrens’ disappearance because he locked Nana outside, so he starts… living in her kennel. a taxi picks him and the kennel up every morning and takes him to work in it. he becomes famous because he lives in the kennel 
  • ?????????????????

in conclusion, this book was great and J. M. Barrie was possibly on crack and, also, Disney what were you thinking

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