BUM BUM DA DUM DUM BUM BUM. LET’S GO, GIRLS.
haha remember that shania twain song? didn’t we all kind of love that song when we were wee little nuggets with no idea of what was awaiting us? oh, shania. YOU FUCKIN LIAR. WALKIN AROUND LIKE BEING A GROWN FEMALE-BODIED PERSON WAS GOING TO BE NOTHING BUT OVERLARGE MEN’S SHIRTS AND SEXY GO GO DANCING.
here’s some fun things shania left out:
- once a month, 200 ROCK TROLLS will learn how to TAP DANCE on your uterus! if you don’t have a uterus, and not all women do, just imagine dwayne the rock johnson just walked up to you, broke you over his knee like you were a twig, and then used your broken body as a jump rope while listening to keke palmer’s 2007 hit “bottoms up.”
- “man, white cheddar cheese-its are so good,” you think while doing work at your desk. “oh my GOD white cheddar cheese-its are so good. they’re so GOOD!!! WHITE CHEDDAR CHEESE ITS ARE SO FUCKING DELICIOUS!!!!!” you begin to cry. you sit at your desk, silently weeping, because white cheddar cheese-its are so good and you want them so badly. all you want to do is turn out all the lights, crawl under your desk, and absolutely DESTROY a box of white cheddar cheese-its, but you can’t, because the universe is fundamentally unfair and everyone dies alone.
- all this talk of cheese-its has gotten you hungry. be good, you think. your body is a temple. you eat an apple, which is what all the websites and your doctor say to do. your body immediately swells up like a balloon and you look like that scene in my girl where her best friend dies from bee stings.
oh look! now you’re thinking about your best friend dying! go ahead, eat 2 full chocolate bars in the bathroom stall. why not. your body is a temple that requires sacrifice.
- someone says something vaguely bigoted on social media. “that’s it!!!!!!!!!!!!!” you think. “THE WHOLE WORLD IS GARBAGE, EVERYONE IN IT IS TRASH, BURN EVERYTHING AND START OVER. IT’S JUST GONNA BE PIZZA & FOUR PEOPLE THAT I HAVE HAND-CHOSEN. BRING THE SHANIA VIDEOS, WE LOVED THAT ONE OF HER DOING FARM WORK AND MAYBE DATING A HORSE.”
- you gently nudge a floor cushion with your toe. your whole body immediately bruises.
- “sports are so fun,” you say, while crying in the dark, your blankets completely wrapped around your whole body so that you can’t move your arms because your favorite player just did That Thing that makes them your favorite player. “god, i love sport game!!!! sport game forever!!!”
- “SPORTS ARE A FUCKING WASTE OF EVERYONE’S TIME,” you scream, rolling up like a pilbug under your bed. you live there now. your favorite player has just taken a penalty, and nothing will ever be okay ever again. “BURN SPORT GAME TO THE GROUND. ALL OF THEM. ALL THE SPORT GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
- call your parents to express your gratitude for all they do. end the phone call by shouting at your mom for not making you learn fluent german as a child.
- spend 45 minutes thinking about how much you like melissa mccarthy.
- read the comments on a video with melissa mccarthy in it. remember that thing about the world. create a petition on whitehouse.gov demanding that obama burn everything and start fresh. “IT’S GARBAGE, BARACK!” you write. “100,000 SIGNATURES AND YOU HAVE TO ANSWER FOR THIS!!!! I WANT THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT TO APOLOGIZE TO MELISSA MCCARTHY!!!!!!!!”
- “can you just come over for like two hours and not speak to me and pet my hair and tell me i’m smart and funny and watch agent carter on hulu,” you blubber on the phone to your best friend. “that’s literally all i want. bring cheese-its.”
“white cheddar?” she says.
“OF COURSE FUCKIN’ WHITE CHEDDAR,” you say, and then, “sorry. i’m cool. i’m cool. white cheddar.”
go on, girl. put on an overlarge men’s t-shirt. your body is physically incapable of go go dancing but you sure as hell CAN shove an entire box of white cheddar cheese-its into your body. YOU DESERVE IT. you can ONLY GO UP FROM HERE.
“create a petition on whitehouse.gov demanding that obama burn everything and start fresh.”