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I was wondering if you have any favorite Alexander facts, because that story about him building a freaking land bridge to Tyre was really cool.

ilvalentinos:

i have SO MANY favourite alexander stories bc this kid is a walking fucking disaster and it’s hilarious. history literally gave a 21 year old frat boy a 36 thousand strong army and told him to go crazy, what did you EXPECT

  • okay so one time when he was a kid he was doing sacrifices at the temple with his old tutor leonidas, and alexander being a prince and the son of a king and being like WHAT?? IS WORKING?? FOR MONEY?? was throwing bunches of expensive spices into the sacrifice fire, and leonidas was like ‘u know we literally work people to death in the mines as a country to pay for those spices right’ and alexander was like, ‘i won’t be forgetting this INSULT, old man’
    so ten years later, alexander goes on his pisstaking contest with his dead dad, and starts his dumbass scheme of conquering sea by land by taking every city on the eastern mediterranean seaboard. one of these cities was gaza, which was the absolute centre of manufacturing spices in the ancient world. after he takes gaza – itself a really great story, but not funny, ja feel? bc he literally kills 10000 people – he sends leonidas 25 TONNES OF SPICES, WORTH LITERALLY THOUSANDS OF GOLD TALENTS, AND SAYS – 
    ‘don’t be so fucking cheap, you old asshole’ 
    you think you have patience? alexander literally waited ten years for this fuckin punchline, you’ve got nothing
  • the first fucking illyrian campaign is FUCKING HILARIOUS. okay so philip leaves for greece and puts SIXTEEN YEAR OLD ALEXANDER AS REGENT OF MACEDON. in the meantime, the raiders from the north come down and start like, killing cattle and having a bbq, and antipater is like, ‘bro maybe don’t do anything bc we’re really poor rn and we can’t afford two wars’ and alexander was like ‘sounds like SOMEONE is a pussy’
    long story short he goes up north and chases off the raiders, and then when he hears his dad established a new city, alexander was like FUCK YOU I’M GOING TO DO THAT TOO. which is. literally. a trespass of royal power. the oedipus is strong in this one.
  • the ENTIRE GEDROSIAN CROSSING. this is way after the persian campaign and everyone is kind of like ‘…. did we follow a total asshole to the edge of the known world?’ and alexander, having surpassed achilles and dionysus and his dear old dad, decides the next best thing he could do is cross a desert which is literally known for swallowing armies. why? bc cyrus the great did it and got out the other side with like eight men. also why? BC HIS MEN REFUSED TO GO ON ANOTHER TEN YEAR MARCH INTO INDIA SO HE WANTED TO PUNISH THEM. in the ensuing disaster he lost over 10000 fighting men and countless camp followers not to mention baggage and livestock. when he got out the other side he was like, ‘GUESS WHO BEAT CYRUS’
  • the Great Experimentation With Guyliner of 329 bc; alexander makes a political statement by mixing up his wardrobe
  • okay this isn’t really funny but it kind of is – the fact that he VEHEMENTLY REFUSED TO KNOCK UP HIS WIFE ROKSHANA AND THUS SECURE HIS LEGACY UNTIL A MONTH AFTER HEPHAESTION DIES
  • I MEAN
  • speaking of which, lying on a corpse and crying for three days
  • the entire return to babylon is a fucking shitshow, like it’s hilarious how far gone he was by then. by then he was publcally calling himself the son of zeus, and when he sent a request to athens to be called the son of zeus publically, it literally got LAUGHED AND PASSED AROUND THE ECCLESIA LIKE A DIRTY DOODLE IN AN 8TH GRADE CLASS. notable comments: ‘if he wants we can make him the son of poseidon as well’ and ‘has his balls even dropped yet’ 

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